A vote for Scottish independence in 2014 would have ripped a hole in the space-time continuum and ushered in the age of the undead, a former Master of the Royal Dressing-up Box has claimed.
Lord Jeremiah of Doom said that the “ripple effects” of Scotland becoming a normal nation would have had cataclysmic consequences for life on earth and would certainly have emboldened the alien forces bent upon taking over our planet and enslaving humankind.
The British Labour politician who was part of Tony Blair’s warmongering cabal had previously warned that the very fabric of the universe was held together by the great and glorious British state.
Speaking to a psychiatric assessment panel, Lord Jeremiah said: “Britain is best pals with America and if Scotland had left they wouldn’t let us be their pals any more and that would have been catastrophic because being pals with America is really, really good.”
He added: “We British are very special and important. We’ve got big bombs and if our American pals let us we can scare people and kill people and stuff like that. The horrible SNP wants to stop us having big bombs and if we can’t scare and kill people any more America won’t be our pals any more and that would be really, really bad.”
“So the ripple effects of Scotland becoming independent would have been disastrous and all the people who hate Britain would have laughed at us and that would be terrible because if you hate Britain you must be truly evil and also hate babies and kittens and mummies and all the nice things.”
Scots voted by 55% to 45% to stay part of the UK in September 2014, with Lord Jeremiah arguing if the UK had been broken up this would have “weakened” Western powers, adding that as a consequence “those people, global terrorists, global organised crime, global vampires, global zombies, global giant spiders would undoubtedly overrun the world”.
He said: “We’re still part of the great and glorious British state. So there! Suck it up, SNP! We rule! We’re British and that means we’re clean and shiny and wonderful and strong and powerful and if Scotland had decided to be a normal country then that would have had enormous ripple effects and everybody knows that. FACT! Did I mention the ripple effects?”
He continued: “I might be the only one who sees the truth of the ripple effects of separation. But everybody knows I’m right. That’s why independence has been killed stone dead.”
He also insisted that he is not even a little bit insane, saying instead: “I just think the British state is divinely ordained.”
Lord Jeremiah insisted: “Britain is one nation and we are great and glorious and important. If we allow any part of the UK to go its own way and be different people might look at us and say we’re not as good as we think we are. and that would have ripple effects that would be cataclysmic and catastrophic and everything would just all fall apart and the bad men would come to get me and they wouldn’t let me wear my lovely robes and it would be really, really awful. And there would be ripple effects.”
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