King Makers or Court Jesters

June 11, 2017

By Áine Carson


ALL of a sudden the English press is introducing the DUP to the rest of the UK as if they’re this new party sprung up as a result of increased sectarianism in Northern Ireland. But if they’d have paid attention, they’d have realised they’ve been there all along only with the addition of two newbies. But they didn’t until the possibility of our public servants having an impact on their lives. It was ok for the Northern Irish to be constrained by the fundamentalist Christians but only when the threat of their crazy ways entering a new cabinet did they take note.

So lets have a look at what Theresa May was likely advised to reject as coalition partners – because even Joseph Goebbels would struggle to make these folks look good.

In alphabetical order

Campbell, Gregory

When you see Gregory’s name trending on Twitter, you know it’s because he’s been on the Nolan Show spouting some offensive nonsense to deflect attention from whatever scandal the DUP is involved in. His ‘Curry my yogurt can coca coaler’ jibe in the Northern Ireland Assembly sealed his fate with Irish language speakers of Protestant and Catholic faiths. As a politician he isn’t taken seriously and has more of a role of riling up tension between the sides.

Dodds, Nigel

This is one you Scotchies can relate to. Dodds is a member of the Orange Order and loves the opportunity to get his sash on. In 2013 he was knocked out by a brick thrown by one of his own side at the controversial Twaddel parade route. In Northern Ireland we take money off people unable to walk but give money to groups to help them with their marching. Dodds’ colleague Paul Givan – not to be confused with Girvan down below gave £200k of our money to loyalist and republican flute bands to buy new instruments and uniforms. Before that his department planned to give away £500k of our money to ‘Community Halls’ for renovations. Falling under this category were orange halls. By the time the scheme was wrapped up, they had spent £1.9M. There were 90 successful applications. 58 of these were perceived Protestant and only nine were perceived Catholic.

Donaldson, Jeffrey

Jeffrey’s a bit of a turn coat. He originally started out in the Ulster Unionist Party but made the switch to the DUP when they became too progressive. In 2015, during a TV debate he likened gay people to the Shankill Butchers. When on business, Jeffrey stays in hotels and watches films. When his political career hits the skids he’d make a good Daniel O’Donnell tribute act. Lets hope he’s switched to a Firestick and a laptop for enjoying downtime.

Girvan, Paul

His political career has been largely local council based. Nobody outside of Newtownabbey heard of him until he was involved in a row about a theatre performance and then some other thing about saying it was ok to burn Irish flags on bonfires. Nothing wildly controversial or out of the ordinary for the DUP.

Little Pengelly, Emma

She appeared on the scene during the NAMA scandal. She was a former SPAD (Special Advisor) and co-opted into a Junior Minister position when former leader Peter Robinson needed some serious legal brains on his side during interrogation by the Public Accounts Committee.

She was known as Pengelly but it’s suspected she used her maiden name to push her position up the ballot paper, that and a display of ‘Do you know who my Da is?’

She’s married to our Government’s most senior civil servant for Health. In 2016 he used his position to warn health workers against commenting on political matters on social networks. She was standing in South Belfast where there are three major hospitals. As a result, she lost her seat. I guess those hard working pay frozen constituents didn’t appreciate being told to shut up.

Paisley, Ian Junior

When Question Time came to Belfast, Ian Paisley Junior claimed to have received a post bag of supportive letters from constituents opposed to Same Sex Marriage. What he didn’t have in his postbag for a short time in 2015 was a vehicle insurance policy. As he was caught driving with no car insurance. He was fined £250 and given 6 penalty points. He came second with the highest amount of expenses claimed by Westminster MP’s in the 2014/2015 financial year.

Robinson, Gavin

Big Gav as he’s known locally isn’t a stereotypical DUPPer when it comes to voting history. He isn’t prone to gaffes and knows the power of thinking before he speaks. Apart from delivering ungracious speeches upon election. In 2012 he was the Lord Mayor of Belfast City Council and had the unfortunate task of announcing the decision to remove the union flag and only erect it on designated days. This was a game changer in local politics and resulted in riots and the Alliance party’s East Belfast office attacked a number of times.

Shannon, Jim

Jim came to prominence during the expenses scandal for it emerged he loved the dough more than a French baker. Out of all the Westminster MP’s, Jim claimed the highest amount in expenses in the 2014/2015 financial year. Jim’s office milage claim would have enabled his staff to drive around the globe five times. In the end he was ordered to pay back £14k.

Simpson, David

He’s the back bench comedian of the Commons. In 2013, Simpson said during a debate on same sex marriage “In the Garden of Eden it was Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve”. When not writing homophobic baddum tish type jokes for speeches, he’s working from his constituency office in Portadown. Not much dirt on him but one of his aides was found guilty of voyeurism when he hid a camera in the constituency office toilets.

Wilson, Sammy

Last but not least, Bare Bum Sammy as he’s commonly known in West Belfast. Famed for frolicking in a French field in the bufty. Given the DUP’s terrible history of overspending, you’d think former Economics teacher Wilson would be more on the ball. He’s not a man for remembering faces either. Unknown to him he used to teach Steven Agnew of the Green party. During an exchange in the Northern Irish Assembly, Wilson told Agnew he should go and learn Economics. Agnew’s reply was “Well, you taught me”

You can follow ÁINE at her twitter page at @AineCarson1 and at her webpage Áine Carson


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