EXCLUSIVE: Deaths from shame overtakes cancer as America’s biggest killer

December 8, 2017

By The Whitechapel Whelk

The United States Dept of Health has revealed that dying from shame has overtaken cancer as the biggest cause of death across the United States of America and draws direct parallels with the election of Donald Trump in 2016.

Latest studies indicate, that 1 in 3 Americans will be at risk of curling up behind the sofa and giving up the will to live during the remaining tenure of the Trump presidency, as opposed to 1 in 6 who will contract The Big C at some point in their lives.

A Department of Health spokesman said last night: “There was an initial sharp rise in shame-related deaths during the inauguration, with over 2 million Americans quietly succumbing to the humiliation of having a moronic, loud-mouthed sex offender as their commander in chief.

“This figure has climbed steeply ever since, showing distinct peaks at a number of stages of President Trump’s incumbency. These include the presidents baffling and rambling speech about uranium, his usage of the words, ‘bigly’ and ‘covefefe, his ‘Nambia’ gaffe, his affirmation that hurricane-ravaged Puerto Rico was surrounded by ‘big water…big ocean water’, and of course, his recent assertion that the US Navy was in possession of invisible planes just like the ones he ‘sees at the movies’”

The Department concludes, that should Trump win a 2nd term in office, the entire country will eventually consist of himself, a few members of his immediate family, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, and a small family of hillbillies in Lousiana who are completely unaware of the existence of any government, and who spend their days playing the banjo and wondering why pregnancy occurs so frequently amongst their closest female relatives.

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