Dear Mr. President, Just shut the f**k up!

August 4, 2017

By Martin Keatings

It’s not often I go off on one at one of the big guns in the world of politics….OK, that’s not quite true! But I never in my wildest dreams thought that pulling apart the President of the United States of America would be on the to-do list in 2014. But as they say, life is like a box of chocolates, they also say “stupid is as stupid does” and my god does Donald Trump have stupid in spades. I’m surprised that his own secret service hasn’t thought about confiscating his phone and gagging him in between meetings. And the hands! My god, the hands! It’s like he’s continually playing the accordion underwater and keeps giving the “everything’s alright sign” while simultaneously sucking plankton through a fuel hose!

As leaders go, the man is an embarrassment to the office he holds, him bumbling on stage or his 3 am tweets, his smug superior attitude when it comes to mocking others that aren’t from a white privileged silver spoon background like himself is bad enough. Watching him systematically destroy the office of the presidency was bad enough, but him interjecting in the constitutional future of my country? Well, that’s a step too far.

It wouldn’t be an issue if the man could string together a sentence, or indeed extend his vocabulary from Yes, No, Fake News and CNN to something a bit broader, but what we got this week was a lesson in international political stupidity.

Americans may fear to challenge the man but we in Scotland have zero compunction about telling him to go awa an beil his ain head (go and boil his head).

Having been asked about “trade talks with Britain”, the president is noted as saying: “We’re going to be very involved with the UK. I mean, you don’t hear the word Britain anymore. It’s very interesting. It’s like, nope.”

Does the man not understand that the hot talking point of EU politics at the moment is the Brexit negotiations, that combined with the fact that there has been a major resurgence in the constitutional question over Scotlands membership of the UK, let alone the European Union. Turn on any news channel and they never shut up talking about the UK and Britain. As for Scotland, well we never hear the UK media talking about anything other than Britain as the realisation sets in that it’s not going to be around for much longer and they scramble to try and shove a union flag on everything made in Scotland as if it will somehow hypnotise peeved off Scots into thinking they are somehow more British.

The report goes on to say: “He then changed tack to ask: “Is Scotland going to go for the vote, by the way? You don’t see it. It would be terrible. They just went through hell.”

Firstly this is the single most stupid sentence I have ever heard an elected official come out with. First, he asks the reported if Scotland is still intending to have a vote, then he goes on to say it would be terrible!? What the ****?

There you have it folks, the expert on everything has spoken, he’s of course given no particular reason for his answer founded in logic, but that is Donald Trump all over, never giving the details. A bit like that whole “I’ll beat ISIS” thing where he said he would only give details if elected. Hows that working out Mr President?

What made me really chuckle though is that it is clear that such a statement could never be rooted in Logic because he knows nothing about the subject, as clearly demonstrated by the fact that he still doesn’t know if we are having a referendum on Independence precipitated by the fact that Scotland is about to be ripped from the EU and single market against its will. Yes, Mr President! In all likelihood, we will be having another vote, but we would kindly like you to shut yer gob about it because you clearly know nothing about the subject and we don’t want you to have to strain that brain of yours too hard!

Next line: The newspaper’s editor in chief Gerard Baker interjected that “the first minister’s already made it clear she…” before Mr Trump interrupted.

Right! So he had to ask if a referendum was still a thing. Then he said it would be a bad thing. Then he gave no details and when the guy tried to answer his original question, he cuts him off. The world according to trump. Clearly only interested in his own vested interests in Scotland. Which leads us on to his next statement which I nearly pebble dashed my cuppa tea across my monitor on reading.

The president then added: “One little thing, what would they do with the British Open if they ever got out? They’d no longer have the British Open.

“Scotland. Keep it in Scotland.”

The man clearly doesn’t know anything about anything but the fact that he doesn’t seem to know that the above statement is just fatuous is weird because his vested interest in Scotland is that HE OWNS A GOLF COURSE.

If he knew anything about “The Open”, not the “British Open” he would know that it is headquartered in St. Andrews in Scotland. Why? Because Scotland is the home of golf and St. Andrews.

The sport has been played at St Andrew’s for well over half a millennium and the Old Course presents a spectacular and unique test for the world’s best players competing to become Champion Golfer of the Year.

In the course of its 29 Opens, St Andrews has a habit of producing winners who are the best of their generation. Tiger Woods produced performances in 2000 and 2005 that left him comfortably clear of the field, with victories by eight and five shots respectively. During the 2000 Open, Woods’ 19-under-par total surpassed the mark set by Nick Faldo ten years previously, when the Englishman shot 18-under-par to win by five.

I don’t even follow golf and I know that! He owns a golf course and doesn’t even understand the concept of the fact that the Open will remain the open whether or not Scotland is in the UK or out of it. Why? Because it’s the home of golf. The man’s a baboon! To put that in perspective for people in the USA the first ever game of baseball was played on June 19, 1846, in Hoboken, New Jersey. Imagine that New Jersey decided that it was to hold a referendum on Independence and they decide to leave the USA. Now go and tell them that they can’t hold baseball games. Now imagine it in places like New York etc. That’s the height of what we are talking about here.

Let’s not even get started on the fact that Mr President doesn’t realise that Scotland leaving the UK is in the best interests of his own Golf Course. If we stay in the UK and the UK is withdrawn from the European Union, then freedom of movement ceases for European citizens – THAT MEANS ALL THOSE VERY RICH BUSINESS MEN WHO PLAY ON YOUR GOLF COURSE MR. TRUMP! – Who’s going to want to come to his Golf course and have to apply for major visas just for a golf trip? There are 27 other EU countries with lovely courses who would quite happily absorb those cancellations.

In other words, the only safe bet for Mr Trump is the continuation of the travel area with the rest of the UK (like we have with Ireland) and Scotland leaving the UK with its membership of the European Union intact.

Would America kindly tell it’s president to shut up about things he knows nothing about? Or at the very least force feed him some chlorinated chicken!

You can follow Martin Keatings at his webpage

featured image by Red Raiph

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